Win A Little History Of Love

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Did you have a romantic St Valentine’s Day? If so, write in and let us know what you got up to. The most romantic account will win a copy of my ebook A Little History Of Love. (And if you got up to something truly erotic you might like to enter the Erotic Story Competition.)

Strangely enough, the romantic origins of St Valentine’s Day are not at all clear. As I explain in my ebook, St Valentine’s may date back to the ancient Roman fertility rites of Lupercalia, celebrated from February 13th – 15th. But other scholars say that there´s no mention of the romantic tradition in any books until the writings of Geoffrey Chaucer (c. 1340–1400):

 

For this was on seynt Volantynys day

Whan every bryd comyth there to chese his make.

 Geoffrey Chaucer, Parlement of Foules (1382)

 

It´s not even certain which Valentine is the ‘romantic’ one. Until 1969 the Catholic Church recognized 11 different Valentine´s Days and those honoured on February 14th include Valentine of Rome, a priest martyred in AD269, as well as Valentine of Terni, a bishop martyred almost a century later.

In the 17th century the custom was not to choose a Valentine but to draw lots, and a married person was just as likely to be chosen as someone single:

I find that Mrs Pierce´s little girl is my Valentine, she having drawn me: which I was not sorry for, it easing me of something more that I must have given to others.

 Samuel Pepys, Samuel Pepys Diary1659–69 (1970–1983)

 

Pepys was referring to the custom that the person who was drawn in the lottery had to give a present and not the other way around as nowadays.  A present for ‘Mrs Pierce´s little girl’ was far cheaper than that for an adult woman.

By the middle of the 18th century the custom seems to have changed and it was the first single person one met on St Valentine´s morning who was destined to be not only the Valentine but also the future spouse:

Last Friday was Valentine´s Day, and the night before…if I dreamt of my sweetheart, Betty said we should be married before the year was out. We…wrote our lovers´ names upon bits of paper, and rolled them up in clay, and put them into water: and the first that rose up was to be our valentine. Would you think it? – Mr Blossom was my man. I lay a-bed and shut my eyes all the morning, till he came to our house: for I would not have seen another man before him for all the world.

 Robert Chambers, The Book of Days (1869)

 

If you’d like to buy A Little History Of Love I’m doing a special offer for the next few weeks. In the book you’ll find all kinds of fascinating anecdotes about love through the ages, from Abelard and Heloise to wooing in ancient Rome. Just click on the banner at the top of the page.

Acceptance And Commitment Therapy

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For the new edition of my book on happiness I’m adding (among other things) a chapter on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It’s not easy to describe it in a few words. The ‘acceptance’ part is all to do with letting unpleasant thoughts come and go, while distancing yourself from them (rather as in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, in fact). And the ‘commitment’ part is all to do with taking action to improve your life guided by your values. There’s quite a lot of statistical evidence that ACT works for a number of psychological problems. But I’d really love to hear from anyone who has used ACT to promote happiness rather than to reduce unhappiness, if you see what I mean. If that’s you, either as a therapist or as a client, then please share your experiences with us by clicking on Comments.

Banned By Amazon

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One of my ebooks has been banned by Amazon. Kindle tells me it ‘contains content that is in violation of our content guidelines’. This is really exciting. It doesn’t quite put me in the same league as D H Lawrence and James Joyce, but I feel I’m on the way. The book in question is ‘60 Wrong Ways To Have Sex – and how to do it right‘. I don’t know exactly what violation I’ve committed because they don’t tell you, but if you want to enjoy the frisson of reading a banned book you can buy it on this website.

I feel rather bemused by the decision. Is there something wrong with sex? I don’t believe so. In which case, there can’t be anything wrong with writing about sex. And, in fact, it’s a very moral book, in my opinion, aimed at serious couples, not those looking for one-night stands. Among the ’60 Wrong Ways’ I’ve included such errors as having affairs, not practising safe sex, drinking too much, and expecting your partner to act like a porn star. I stand behind what I’ve written. If you think oral sex is immoral (it isn’t), or that ‘Tantric’ techniques are immoral (they aren’t), then you may agree with Kindle’s decision. But I don’t think many people would say it was balanced.

I now look forward to achieving the success of those who have preceded me by being banned. Meanwhile, keep on enjoying sex.

Exercise Is Good For Sex

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Sex is better when you exercise regularly. There are plenty of studies to back that up, but I can now confirm it from personal experience. I’m sending you greetings from Serre Chevalier in the French Alps, where I’ve been snowboarding and snowshoeing every day for the past week! (One of the great things about being a writer is that you can work anywhere, provided you have electricity, an internet connection and a laptop.)

I try to get some exercise most days, even if it’s only a walk. But since getting here the level has been really intense. Hours every day. And I’ve noticed it in bed. Yes, I’ve also noticed a few aches and pains and by the end of the day I’m exhausted. But in the morning…

And this goes for women as well as men. If your libido, performance and responsiveness aren’t what you’d like them to be, embark on a really serious exercise programme.

A word of caution. If you’re not used to exercise or you know you have health problems, consult your doctor first. Maybe even get a professional to design an exercise programme for you. Build up slowly, if necessary. But aim eventually to achieve something like an hour every other day and you’ll definitely notice a difference.

Erotic Stories Needed

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 There have been some very good entries for my first erotic story competition but not quite enough to make a serious contest out of it. So I’m going to extend the deadline to 31st January 2012. Instead of the usual party games for New Year, why not try collaborating on some erotica instead? With a group of friends you could take turns to read out your wildest experiences. Or if it’s just you and your partner you could each set down your reactions to the things you’ve done. You’ll discover some interesting things about one another, I’m sure. (For details see my blog ‘Erotic Story Competition’ dated November 11.)

United States Of Europe? Yes Please!

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What I would always have liked is a passport that said ‘Europe’.  To have been a citizen of a fabulous country that stretched from the Atlantic to the Black Sea, and from inside the Arctic Circle to the Mediterranean. A country that included Amsterdam, Athens, Barcelona, Berlin, London, Paris, Rome, Venice, Vienna and many other great cities. A country that included the Alps, the Pyrenees, the Sierra Nevada, the Pindus, and the Carpathians.

Why would I swap that dream for citizenship of a tiny, wet, little country that has no good snowboarding, where you can only swim in the sea a few weeks a year, and where you need to wear oilskins to go sailing?

Far from seeing the European Union as a co-operation for mutual benefit, the British have viewed the whole thing more like a war. The talk has always been of ‘fighting’ for British interests, rather than working together to promote everyone’s interests. That’s not an attitude that promotes happiness, nor one that will make the world a better place.

Unfortunately, following the events of Friday 9th December 2011, the dream seems further away. If Britain leaves the EU I’d like to emigrate, not to Spain where I now live, nor to France where I once lived, but to Europe.

How many others out there would like to be Europeans? Leave your comments, please.

 

A Little History Of Love

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In 1837 Thomas Saverland brought an action against a Miss Caroline Newton for biting off a piece of his nose. He had tried to kiss her ‘by way of a joke’ and she had defended her honour. The judge agreed that she was right to do so. ‘When a man kisses a woman against her will,’ he ruled, ‘she is fully entitled to bite off his nose, if she so pleases.’

That’s just one anecdote from my latest e-book A Little History Of Love, a collection of 50 essays on everything from Abelard and Heloise to wooing techniques in ancient Rome.

If your wife, girlfriend or mistress has an e-reader (or is getting one for Christmas), what could be more perfect than buying A Little History Of Love to go with it?

 

What Does 10/10 Happiness Feel Like?

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How happy is it possible to be? I’m wondering, because the Office for National Statistics has just published the results of its preliminary survey into happiness in Britain. The key question was, ‘Overall, how happy did you feel yesterday?’ On a scale of zero to ten, around three-quarters of Brits rated themselves a seven or higher. And just over a third actually rated their day a nine or a perfect ten.

Only 12 per cent scored themselves a five or lower, which is bad news for sales of my books How To Be Happier and Transform Your Life With NLP.

Nevertheless, I’m very pleased for all those people – if their scores paint a true picture.

But I don’t believe they do.

As a writer on happiness it might be a good idea for me to lie and say I’m a permanent 10 myself. But I’m not. The key question is this. What would 10/10 happiness feel like?

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The Biggest Sex Mistakes

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Girls, what would you say is the biggest thing men get wrong when they make love to you? Guys, what would you say is the biggest thing girls get wrong?

After quite a lot of research I’ve come up with 60 Wrong Ways To Have Sex (which will be available as an e-book in the ‘Shop’ very soon). I’d say the biggest mistake both sexes make is failing to communicate openly. Almost everything else stems from that. Most people find it very difficult to say what they want in bed. And just as hard to find a way of saying what they don’t want.

It’s rather silly in a way. You don’t want to say anything in case your partner gets upset or thinks less of you. Meanwhile your partner is thinking exactly the same thing: ‘I can’t say that – it will make me seem completely weird.’ The result is an impasse. Nobody says anything.

That’s probably why sexy board games and erotic dice are so popular – it’s ‘fate’ that tells you what to do.

The great thing about e-books, of course, is that it’s very easy to update them. So what I’d like you to do is send me your selection of biggest mistakes – either ones that you’ve made, or your partners have made, or both.

If I haven’t already got them in my 60 (and assuming they’re suitable for publication) I’ll add them to my book. I’ll credit you in the book or, if you prefer, you can be anonymous.

Naturally, I’ve also added how to do it right.

Zorba The (Happy) Greek

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I’ve just had an e-mail from a young guy asking my opinion on the conflict between spirituality and the pleasures of the flesh. Well, in my opinion, there is no conflict. That’s why I like certain aspects of Tantra. Tantrikas don’t see any conflict, either. On the contrary, Tantric sex is a way of using sexual energy precisely for spiritual ends.

The supposed conflict between the flesh and the spirit was the theme of just about everything written by Nikos Kazantzakis. For that reason I shouldn’t really like his books. But I do. In examining one side of the argument he was also compelled to examine the other and, in Zorba The Greek he created a man who relished everything that life on Earth has to offer.

That’s why I love that character. If you want to be happy you have to stop beating yourself up for being a human being. Enjoy yourself. And if you’re not sure how, read Zorba The Greek as a start. And then, maybe, How To Be Happier.

If you agree or disagree let’s hear from you – just click on ‘comment’.

NLP Isn’t Always The Solution

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I’ve had an email from someone who has a problem with public speaking. Over the years she’s become more and more terrified until she’s reached the point where she just can’t do it any more. Normally I would suggest NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) or hypnosis or self-hypnosis. But this woman has tried those things and just about everything else that’s going.

A standard NLP method is to visualize a scene in which you succeed in doing what you’re afraid of. The problem with that approach is that when you’re really terrified of something it can completely hijack your visualization. In other words, you can’t even imagine yourself succeeding. Each time you try you only ever see yourself failing. As a result, your fear increases.

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Cunnilingus

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From: AH Dundee.

Dear Mr Jenner

I always try and satisfy my partner when having sex but I just don’t like it when he licks my privates. I thinks it’s dirty and not normal. Many men seem to think they have got the right to go down there between my legs and I don’t agree. It has caused many rows. I can’t understand it.  I thought licking a woman out was for her enjoyment so if I don’t enjoy it why are some men so insistent? Do men get a sexual kick out of it as well? I’d much rather go straight into proper fucking. Am I abnormal? Do most women like it?  What should I do?

 

Dear AH,

Cunnilingus (licking the vulva) is certainly not ‘dirty’ and it’s certainly not abnormal. Even back in Kinsey’s day (the 1940s/50s) over half of married couples sometimes did it and most women would probably like more of it, not less. Adding something like whipped cream to the area is quite popular (see photo). Of course, it’s your body and you don’t have to be licked if you don’t want to be. Certainly there are plenty of men who feel, like you, that they’d rather get straight down to ‘proper fucking’. If you don’t already, I’d suggest you explore the possible sensations on your own, using your lubricated fingers on your vulva, and especially on your clitoris. If you can overcome your inhibitions I’m pretty certain you’ll enjoy everything about it.

 Best wishes, Paul

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