What Makes You Happy?

As a result of some valuable new techniques I learned recently I’ve begun work on a follow-up to How To Be Happier. But I’d also appreciate some input from you. Do you deliberately use particular techniques to make yourself happier and, if so, what are they? Do you favour the idea that true happiness comes from inside? Or from outside? Or do you just let whatever happens happen? I’d love to hear from you. In fact, I’m sure we’d all like to hear from you if you’ve got some techniques that have worked for you. Please click on the word ‘comment’ below and share your thoughts in the box.

Sex Outdoors Is Over

November 11, 2011

Sex No Comments

It looks like sex out of doors is over for another year. A pity because there’s something very special about it.

It’s seldom as comfortable as sex in bed. It’s seldom as long as sex in bed. But to make love on a deserted beach, the water lapping gently on the shore, the sun and wind playing on your skin, knowing that you’re doing something rather daring, all makes for a heady session.

Not that sex in the snow is impossible. And it certainly sets up a very unusual tingle.

And where can you find a hot, deserted beach? Now that’s something I’m not prepared to divulge.

Beat Negativity

Happiness No Comments

Yesterday a parcel arrived from my most important publisher. That’s Hodder Education. Inside were six copies of my latest book Beat Negativity With CBT. It’s always a nice moment when you see one of your books in the flesh, as it were, for the first time. It’s only a short book with lots of easy to assimilate bullet points (which is why it’s called a Bullet Guide) but, if I say so myself, it’s packed with solid advice about how to use CBT to become happier and more positive.

CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The behavioural part is based on the idea that you can overcome, for example, irrational fears or compulsions through a gradual process of desensitization. The cognitive part is based on the insight that your thoughts create your feelings. Stop thinking negative thoughts, permit only positive thoughts, and you’ll be happier.

They sound simple ideas and they are (which is why I sometimes get angry emails from people telling me I’m not taking their problems seriously). But the fact is that they work.

Here’s something you can test. You’ll need a handy way of keeping a count. Could be one of those clickers, could be a notebook, could just be a bare arm you can mark with a biro. Each time you notice yourself having a negative thought, note it. Then stop it and replace the negative thought with a positive thought. At the end of the day total up the number of negative thoughts. Resolve that the next day you’ll have less of them. Keep it up for a week. If you’ve done it conscientiously, the frequency of negative thoughts will be well down by the end of the week and you’ll feel happier. (If you’re not, you can send me an angry email.)

By the way, you can use the ‘Look Inside’ facility on Amazon to get a better idea of the book – you might even want to buy it. If you want something more detailed try Transform Your Life With NLP.

Anal Sex

From Mr S, Cardiff.

I read your book Have Great Sex a couple of weeks ago and found quite a lot of new ideas. But the thing that really blew my mind was the section on anal sex.

It’s not as if I’d never heard of anal sex. I’d just never dared try it before. Mostly my partner likes sex face up but from time to time we’d do doggy and every time I’d be seeing that cute little arsehole of hers. I like to put my hands on her buttocks and gently spread them apart so I get a better view. I have to tell you it really is lovely. Perfect. It makes me so excited. Everything about her arse and between her legs is a delight.

Following your advice I bought some lubricant. I got KY jelly and, as you suggested, diluted some with water in a little bottle and left the rest in the tube. Then while we were having sex in doggy – or, as you call it, cuddly bears – I put a little neat KY on my finger and carefully massaged her arsehole. I didn’t know what her reaction would be but she didn’t ask me to stop so I continued. After a bit I added some more KY and actually pushed my finger in a little way. She still didn’t say anything so I withdrew my finger, added still more KY, then slid my finger all the way in.

It was a beautiful sensation. It all felt so warm and smooth and tight and when I imagined my penis being in there rather than my finger my head was reeling. And here’s a funny thing. I felt excitement in my own arsehole. We haven’t both got a penis and we haven’t both got a vagina but we’ve both got an arsehole. And as I played with hers so I also thought about somebody playing with mine. She couldn’t – not in this position, anyway – so I fantasized that one of her friends was behind me, sliding a finger into me.

As you can imagine, I was getting pretty excited, but I didn’t know what to do next. So I asked her, ‘Is that nice?’ She gave a little groan, which I took to be a little groan of pleasure rather than pain, and spread her legs a little wider. Encouraged, I said, ‘I’d really like to try fucking you in the arse.’ There was a little pause and then she said, ‘You can try.’

I now withdrew from her pussy (which, by the way is wonderful), took the container of diluted KY, spread some on my penis and trickled a bit more into the crack at the top of her buttocks. Then, taking my penis in my hand, I held the tip against her arsehole and pushed. There was a bit of resistance then a movement and I felt myself in somewhere warm and moist and lovely. But looking down I saw that I had skidded into her vagina and wasn’t in her arsehole at all. Well, of course, I didn’t know how an arsehole is supposed to feel.

I tried again but still there was resistance and I was suddenly overcome with self-doubt. My face flushed and my penis began to go down. It was quite alarming. Here I was, able to do something I’d been dreaming of, something incredibly erotic, and I was making a mess of it. I reminded myself that this used to be illegal and that people had been imprisoned for it. Or worse. That in itself was an exciting thought but my penis failed to respond and without a stiff erection I knew it would be impossible to get in.

Then I heard my partner say, ‘Fuck me in the arse.’ The words were thrilling. ‘Fuck me in the arse,’ she repeated. ‘I want it up the arse.’ Immediately I felt my penis give a little jerk. ‘I just love it up the arse,’ she went on. ‘Lube me and use me.’

At that I was completely overcome with desire for her and for her arsehole. Any time she wants to arouse me she only has to say words like that. I trickled a little more lubricant onto my penis and felt the blood returning. But it still wasn’t hard enough for that tight little hole.

‘Tell me again,’ I said. ‘Tell me how much you love it.’

Her voice sounded quite fierce now. ‘I’m really dirty and I love dirty things,’ she said. ‘I love it up the arse. Do it now.’

Saying that she turned her face sideways on the pillow, reached behind with both hands and spread her own buttocks. That caused her gorgeous little hole to open a little. At the sight of it my penis went as hard as an iron bar and, placing the head of it against the aperture, I gave a gentle push and was inside.

Immediately, I gasped at the sensation. Firstly there was the realisation that I actually was fucking her in her arsehole. Then there was the sensation of tightness, smoothness, warmth and, thanks to the lubricant, slipperiness. It was so overwhelming that I almost came right at that moment. I didn’t dare move for a few seconds, but that was okay because she needed time to get used to it, too.

Then I began moving very gently. It was utter bliss. Paradise couldn’t be any better. Looking down I could see my penis moving backwards and forwards and her arsehole gripping it all the way round. Just seeing it was so exciting that I nearly came a second time and had to close my eyes. It was as if my penis was going right up the middle of her. Right up something that, I knew, passed through her abdomen. A tube that went from her mouth to her arse. It was so intimate and, somehow, so fundamental. I felt something quite mystical. This, I thought to myself, is as good as it gets.

It was difficult to know what she was feeling. I asked if she’d like me to wank her at the same time. She said no, but after a few moments I felt her move her hand so she could rub her clit. It’s a gorgeous little thing, by the way. She has these darling little lips, one slightly longer than the other, coming together at what I call her ‘knob’. And then, if you retract the hood a bit, you see this tiny, tiny red organ, smaller than a lentil and yet so incredibly powerful.

So she was rubbing herself and I was fucking her arsehole and the only thing I could think of that could make it even better would be if someone was playing with my arsehole. So I reached around and pushed my own finger up inside myself – it was already dripping with lubricant. The effect of it all together was amazing. I was just swimming in dopamine.

Her hand was moving faster and faster now and she was making whimpering noises. I love it when she makes a noise. The louder the better. So I could tell she was going to come at any moment and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to slide out because it was so gorgeous in there. On the other hand, I didn’t know how she’d feel about me ejaculating inside her arse. Anyway, it was too late to make a decision because suddenly she was coming and I could feel it right through the wall of her anal canal and rectum. I sort of clung to her like a drowning man in a storm, doing my best not to come, too. Wave after wave of sensation tantalized my penis but I managed to hold off and then things were calm again. Slowly I withdrew and waited for her to say something.

‘Go and wash,’ she said. ‘Then come back and fuck me in the cunt.’

Which I did. And it seemed to me she had the biggest orgasm of her life. Her eyes rolled up and her entire body shook. And I’m sure that was down to the anal stimulation. It just magnified everything. And it was the same for me. The semen just kept pumping and pumping and pumping.

Can I suggest that in the next edition of your book you advise women to talk dirty when anal sex is being attempted. And to make a lot of encouraging noises. It can make all the difference and, apart from that, it’s incredibly thrilling.

Withholding Ejaculation

Problem Page 1 Comment

From: Julia, Brighton.

Dear Paul Jenner

I enjoyed your book Get Intimate with Tantric Sex very much, but as a woman in a long-term and happy relationship I am finding adapting to some of your suggestions rather hard.

I appreciate that, for instance, non-ejaculatory sex is a great thing in terms of frequency of intercourse (especially in couples of that certain age and above!) but I miss the spontaneity of mutual orgasm. For me the enjoyment of what I will call ‘normal’ sex is the mounting excitement, the occasional pull-backs and then the full-on coming as a crescendo, just like that crashing wave we always see on coy film sex scenes. When I know the session is going to be (barring accidents) non-ejaculatory it sort of lacks impetus and form. We have to eventually come to a verbal agreement that the session should end. I find this difficult as despite the fact I may have had several orgasms I am never quite sure of the best timing as far as my partner is concerned.

Any suggestions?

Am I Weird?

Problem Page 1 Comment

From: Dale, Girona.

I need to ask you a question. Do you think it’s weird to want to watch your girlfriend peeing? I’d like to, but my girlfriend is embarrassed. She also says she can’t understand why anybody would find it the least bit erotic. She thinks it’s very odd.

I know there are other men who feel the same as I do because there are porn films that feature women peeing. But I don’t know if it’s a tiny minority of men (and therefore abnormal) or a significant number of men (and therefore normal).

I’ve suggested various ways of overcoming her reluctance. For example, I suggested she could pee while we were taking a shower together. I’d hardly notice anything. Then, as the next step, she could pee while showering but with her legs sufficiently apart for me to see the jet. What I’d like most of all is for her to squat down in the normal way, but half naked or completely naked, so I could see the pee coming out of her body.

It’s partly just out of curiosity but I think it would be erotic and also sort of funny at the same time. And intimate. And endearing. And even mystical.

Of course, I don’t mean watching all the time. But I’d like to see it at least once. And maybe, when we’re hiking, she wouldn’t feel the need to hide behind a bush…

Can you give your opinion? If you say my girlfriend is right and it’s weird then I won’t mention it again. But if you say it’s normal then I’ll try to cajole her into it. After all, it’s not as if she minds showing her pussy – I see it most days.

Kama Sutra Illustrated Positions

November 2, 2011

Welcome to the Home of Happiness No Comments

My ebook Secrets Of The Kama Sutra now has an online gallery of positions, mostly using photographs of couples or women alone. This is a huge improvement because some of the authentic positions are quite difficult to describe in words. Seeing the photographs makes everything clear.

And unlike a printed book, the gallery will be expanded constantly. What I’m doing is inviting couples to photograph themselves and then email the photos for uploading. It’s not necessary to be naked unless you want to be. In fact, back when the Kama Sutra was compiled it was quite normal to dress up for sex rather than undress. It’s all up to you.

Initially, I want to get several illustrations of each of the authentic 21 positions. Once that’s done, I’ll be inviting readers to come up with their own positions, inspired by the Kama Sutra.

If you want to take part it will be great fun. You can cover yourselves with body jewellery or flowers, you can put on Indian-style clothing, you can wear Western-style lingerie, or you can be naked. Your faces can be averted if you want. You can be anonymous, or credited in the caption. It would also be nice to create a Kama Sutra ambience with drapes and other accessories but it’s not essential. It’s all up to you. The important thing is that the positions must be correct.

This is a serious project and if you’d like to give it a go just click here to read more.

Reader Writes: Orgasm From Energy Circulation

November 2, 2011

From: Ms K of Canterbury

Dear Mr Jenner

I am an 18 year old girl and I have had a serious boyfriend for about ten months. I started university last Autumn and and he is soon going away to another university. He wants to have sex to “cement” our relationship but I don’t want to yet. Although I wore a chastity ring when I was 16 I don’t now, I sort of grew out of it but I am still unsure about having full intercourse with him at the moment. My aunt has your book, Get Intimate With Tantric Sex and she lent it to me after she found me sneaking a look the other day. She says it is a serious reflection on the whole art and spirituality of sex, not just how to have a quick bonk behind the bike sheds. I am hoping my boyfriend will see, as I think I do, that there is no need to rush things and better, perhaps to build up our love and passion by following some of the techniques you outline. We have discussed this and we have, on our increasingly rare moments together tried to meditate and concentrate on our sexual energy as you suggest quite early on in the book.

Last weekend we decided to try moving around the energy. We sat close and opposite one another and closed our eyes. As a warm up we carried out the visualisation you suggest for moving energy around different parts of the body, starting with the hands. I could hear my boyfriend’s breathing change, deeper and louder and I think I was the same. I snatched a quick look at him and I could see he was getting quite into the mediation and I could also see that under his sweat pants his penis was getting quite hard. I shut my eyes tight but although I was trying to feel the energy in all different parts of the body, I couldn’t help concentrating on between my legs. I was getting quite wet and my mouth was dry. I didn’t want to swallow because every tiny move seemed so loud and I knew if my boyfriend heard my swallowing he would know how excited I was getting. I could hear him groan a little and I knew he was touching himself now. I didn’t mind and I wasn’t shocked as I was shifting about myself. I was so wet and excited and my knees felt like water. I was touching myself through my clothes but even that was enough and I started rubbing quite hard. I wanted my boyfriend to see and when I looked up he was sweating and getting very excited. I think I had an orgasm almost at exactly the same time as he did and we lay in each other’s arms for quite a while afterwards, quite exhausted but elated. Some time afterwards when we could talk properly we agreed that although we hadn’t had full intercourse, this way of moving energy around had already been great. Thank you.

Reader Writes: Tantric Sex

October 30, 2011

From: Mr D, Birmingham.

Dear Paul,

I’d like to thank you for writing Get Intimate With Tantric Sex. I was looking for a book that might help me and my wife and when I came across yours it was the obvious choice because, although she wouldn’t admit it, I’m sure my wife has always felt guilty about sex. Something to do with her upbringing, no doubt. So our sex life has been difficult and for the last couple of years there’s not been much.

When I read how sex could be spiritual I wondered if that could be the way to overcome her inhibitions. I’ll admit that at first I wasn’t actually very interested in the spiritual side of it. I just wanted to have a good sex life. I was using it as an excuse. So I began talking to her about the spiritual side of sex and how it could be a religious experience. She had a look for herself and eventually I got her to agree to try nyasa. She sat up on the bed, supported by some pillows, and I caressed her and massaged her breasts and different places until, finally, I bowed down between her thighs saying that she was a goddess and that her yoni was the entrance to paradise etc. etc. My face was closer to her yoni than it had ever been in all those years of marriage. I knew she could feel my hot breath on her because she moaned a little each time I breathed out. I moved my lips closer and closer until her pubic hair was tickling me and then, very, very gently, I put out my tongue and touched it against her clitoris. It was as if I’d given her an electric shock. For a moment she didn’t know what to do, but then I felt her open her thighs wider and I knew she wanted me to do it some more. So I pressed my tongue against her ‘sacred’ yoni. It was so unbelievably smooth and soon I was tasting the juice that flowed out of her. The strange thing is that when I thought about it later I really did feel as if I’d absorbed some of her ‘female essences’ and become more in touch with my own feminine side.

Anyway, to get back to where I was, she was moaning in a way she never had before and soon she was begging me to slide into her. The next big new thing was this idea of holding back ejaculation. I now realise I hardly ever gave my wife time to orgasm before, which is probably why she’d never developed much of a taste for sex. Using the ‘locking method’ and the psychological techniques that you described I was able to keep going and going. She had at least three orgasms and I almost came each time. And every time I nearly came it was like moving up to another level of ecstasy. I’d never felt sensations like it before. The whole inside of her vagina felt swollen and electric and very, very wet. As for my wife, she was almost delirious. In the past she sometimes had one orgasm, more often no orgasm, and now she’d had three in a row.I said to her to think about the most spiritual scene she could imagine and to hold onto that image and then we would both come together. At this she went absolutely crazy. I wouldn’t have believed how far she could get her legs open as she pulled me into her and we timed it to perfection. Her eyes actually rolled up and she told me afterwards she really had seen a vision of paradise.

I’ll admit that I just saw your book as a means to an end. But we’re now both of us really into Tantric sex, the physical and the spiritual. My wife still has a bit of a way to go before she’ll do the most ‘exotic’ things you describe, but I’m sure we’ll get there. Now we both use the expression ‘shall we pray?’ And then we do…

Reader Writes: Ripping Time In Bed

October 30, 2011