From: Julia, Brighton.
Dear Paul Jenner
I enjoyed your book Get Intimate with Tantric Sex very much, but as a woman in a long-term and happy relationship I am finding adapting to some of your suggestions rather hard.
I appreciate that, for instance, non-ejaculatory sex is a great thing in terms of frequency of intercourse (especially in couples of that certain age and above!) but I miss the spontaneity of mutual orgasm. For me the enjoyment of what I will call ‘normal’ sex is the mounting excitement, the occasional pull-backs and then the full-on coming as a crescendo, just like that crashing wave we always see on coy film sex scenes. When I know the session is going to be (barring accidents) non-ejaculatory it sort of lacks impetus and form. We have to eventually come to a verbal agreement that the session should end. I find this difficult as despite the fact I may have had several orgasms I am never quite sure of the best timing as far as my partner is concerned.
Any suggestions?
Hi Julia ,
This is a problem that crops up quite often when women have been used to what you call ‘normal’ sex. There’s one answer for older men and a slightly different answer for younger men, and from what you say I infer that your partner is an older man. Given that, you have to bear in mind that he may not be able to ejaculate very often. So it’s not a case of deciding between what you call ‘normal’ sex and non-ejaculatory sex. It’s a case of deciding between sex and no sex.
For example, let’s say he can ejaculate once a week. In that case, if you stick to ‘normal’ sex, you can have your waves crashing simultaneously on the beach once a week. And that’s it. The rest of the time you can’t have sex at all. However, if you introduce non-ejaculatory sessions to your repertoire you can have them in addition to your ‘normal’ sessions, not instead of. You still get exactly the same number of simultaneous crashing waves and you get a whole load of other waves as well.
Of course, it may be your partner is capable of ejaculating more often. But the principle still applies. The non-ejaculatory sessions can be additional sessions.
In fact, there are also good reasons for a younger and more virile man to withhold ejaculation. After ejaculation a man’s hormone levels can change drastically for the worse. Instead of feeling loving and romantic (as you’d imagine after a nice lovemaking session) he may become distant and irritable. This ‘sexual hangover’ is all the more marked in an older man. And he can’t altogether help it because he’s go to battle against his hormones if he’s to overcome it.
Let’s look at this from another angle. Your partner is making love to you the ‘Tantric’ way. His brain is swimming in dopamine as he enjoys one ‘mini-orgasm’ after another. He’s unlikely to volunteer to stop because it’s all too beautiful. So you have three possible ways of stopping him. You can do something so incredibly exciting that he just can’t avoid ejaculating. You can invite him to ejaculate simultaneously with your orgasm. Or you can indicate that you’re completely satisfied and don’t want to continue.
Now, when you think about it, they’re all different ways of you stopping him. It’s all the same in the end. So which would he prefer? Well, if he hasn’t ejaculated for a while I’m sure he’ll enjoy it very much. In fact, there are going to be times, of course, when he’s desperate to ejaculate. But if he ejaculates when he didn’t really want to (and can’t then make love again for a while) his pleasure may be tainted by a certain feeling of disappointment. So most of the time he’s going to prefer it if you bring the session to an end by saying you’re satisfied.
Let me reassure you that he’s not going to mind at all, for two reasons. Firstly, most men feel a stupid kind of pride in the idea that they’ve sated their partners (particularly bearing in mind that women can normally outlast men by a wide margin). So just tell him that and he’ll be thrilled. Something along these lines will do nicely: ‘You’ve made me orgasm so many times I just can’t come any more. You are fantastic.’ Secondly, he’ll know that several mini-orgasms give him far, far more pleasure than one ejaculation and he’ll simply be very, very grateful for what he’s had. Believe me. And look forward to the next time, very soon. Because – and this is perhaps the most crucial point of all – he will still desire you. And that’s not often the case after a man has ejaculated.
As to the sessions lacking ‘form’, well, you can give them form, if you wish. For example, oral followed by man on top, followed by doggy, followed by girl on top as the finale. Or agree that you’ll stop at 08.30 or whatever. But isn’t it beautiful to be utterly lost in a rapture that has, in a sense, no beginning and no end?
I hope this helps.