It’s Never Too Late

Last weekend Arthur Gilbert completed his 41st triathlon, comprising a 500 metre swim, a 20 km bike ride and a 5km run. His time was a very creditable 2hr 47 min 22 sec – working out at about 1 kph for the swim, 5kph for the run and 17 kph for the ride. Creditable, that is, for a youngish, moderately athletic person. But Arthur Gilbert is not young. He’s 91 and officially the world’s oldest triathlete.

At the age when most people’s bodies cause them only discomfort, pain and embarrassment, Arthur’s is still bringing him pleasure and contributing to his happiness. And Arthur didn’t even start running triathlons until he was 68. Which all goes to show that it’s never too late.

Last year another 91 year-old, Charles Eugster, told the Guardian newspaper how, six years earlier, at age 85, he had looked in the mirror and seen ‘an old man’. ‘I was overweight, my posture was terrible and there was skin hanging off me where muscle used to be.’ He decided to do something about it.

The astonishing thing about Charles (pictured) was that he already went rowing six times a week. Many people might have felt disillusioned and given the whole thing up. Not Charles. He reasoned that he needed to do even more. He added bodybuilding, for muscle, and judo to ‘teach me how to fall properly’. At age 87 he went wakeboarding for the first time. In 2010 in competition, with some modifications on account of his age, he did 57 dips, 61 chin-ups, 50 push-ups and 48 abdominal crunches, each in 45 secs. He could easily pass for a man 20 years younger and there are bits of him that look 40 years younger.

Charles is proof that as you get older you have to do more, not less. For the past three years he’s added hypertrophy training, which means taking the muscles to the point of exhaustion. The result has been a 50 per cent increase in muscle strength. If you’d like to read more about Charles take a look at his website at http://www.charleseugster.net/index.htm.

Meanwhile, how am I getting on with the HIT (high intensity training)? Well, I’ve discovered that you really need an indoor cycling or rowing or cross-country  machine. Out in the ‘real world’ it’s too dangerous to take yourself to the point of total exhaustion, in the way I described in a recent blog. Falling off your bike on a road is not a good idea. But I’m getting as close as seems prudent. And I’m increasing my regular exercise – on Tuesday I cycled 17 km to the beach, swam, then cycled back again – and that included about 700 metres of climbing. I felt pretty pleased with myself – until I read about Charles and Arthur.

Depression And Exercise

You may have seen the reports this week that physical exercise is ineffective as a treatment for depression. Well, I don’t agree. John Campbell, Professor of General Practice and Primary Care at Peninsula College of Medicine and Dentistry at Exeter University, described it as a ‘carefully designed research study’. But was it?

Here’s what happened. Researchers from the Peninsula College, together with those from Bristol University, took 361 patients aged 18 to 69 with mild to severe depression, and divided them into two groups. Half were given the ‘usual care’ and half were given ‘usual care’ and, in addition, advised to take exercise. At the end of one year the two groups were assessed. Those assigned to the ‘exercise group’ were slightly less depressed but the difference was not considered large enough to be statistically valid.

So, if you suffer from depression, can you drop the exercise? Well, of course, exercise has other well-known health benefits, so that wouldn’t be a good idea on physical health grounds anyway. But the two big flaws in this study were, firstly, that it relied upon self-reporting of exercise levels and, secondly, that the ‘exercise group’ only did, on average, twice as much exercise as the others (assuming they didn’t exaggerate).

Now, most people don’t take much exercise. So testing the effects of doing twice as much is far from conclusive. Twice nothing is nothing. All that happened was that the ‘exercise group’ met PE trainers three times face to face and had 10 telephone calls. If I’d been running the trial I’d have had regular organised exercise sessions at, maybe, three different levels.

Now, it doesn’t take a lot of exercise to make a difference but it does have to be vigorous. For example, as I reported in my book How To Be Happier just eight minutes of exercise increases noradrenaline (norepinephrine for US readers) up to ten times, while 12 minutes increases endorphins five times, and 30 minutes almost doubles PEA. All these chemicals are mood boosters. But the research that produced these findings was conducted on people exercising vigorously, which is to say, at around 70 per cent of maximum heart rate. At that level you’d still be able to talk but you’d be puffing.

The researchers took the view that it wasn’t realistic to ask depressed people – possibly middle-aged, overweight people who didn’t normally exercise – to, say, get a bicycle and cover 20 miles a day. Fair enough! But that’s not a comment on the efficacy of exercise. All this study has shown is that ambling along behind a dog does little to combat depression. My advice is to ignore the headlines. Keep exercising. The more the better.

Female Genital Mutilation

I’ve just signed a petition against female genital mutilation, asking the Home Secretary Theresa May to take action. FGM has been illegal in Britain since 1985 but, apparently, no one has ever been convicted of this crime in the UK. That certainly isn’t because no young women are being mutilated. In the London area alone there were 166 complaints over the past four years. And last month a Sunday Times investigation uncovered some of those who are willing to commit this crime for a few hundred pounds. If you would also like to sign the petition here’s the link:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/petition/Stop_female_genital_mutilation_in_the_UK/?cl=1821543365&v=14523

Pyjama Parties

I’ve heard of the Conservative Party and I’ve heard of the Labour Party but I’ve only just started hearing about the Pyjama Party. I’m not quite clear what the policies of the Pyjama Party are but it seems peace, goodwill and togetherness have something to do with it. Apparently, when Gordon Brown was Prime Minister, members of the Pyjama Party were invited over to Chequers to mingle with members of the Labour Party. Or have I got that wrong?

Personally, I wouldn’t vote for the Pyjama Party, although it does sound slightly more interesting than the others. I find pyjamas hilarious. Ever since I began seeing films in which men had sex with women I realised that real men didn’t wear pyjamas. Only Rock Hudson and Doris Day did that. So I resolved to throw out my pyjamas and I haven’t owned any for forty years. To me, wearing pyjamas seems about as absurd as wearing a wetsuit in the shower. What is the point? When you go to bed you should be naked. I don’t want to reach out and feel winceyette. I want to feel skin. When skin touches skin oxytocin gets released. And that’s very good for bonding. So get naked and improve your relationship.

Sad Life stories

One of my particular interests is how to have a happy relationship. So I was fascinated by the actor Dennis Waterman’s masterclass in how not to. He confessed on Piers Morgan’s TV programme Life Stories that he did hit the actress Rula Lenska when the two of them were married. Here are some of the things the 64 year-old star of The Sweeney, Minder, and New Tricks had to say:

‘It’s not difficult for a woman to make a man hit her… The problem with strong, intelligent women is that they can argue well. And if there is a time where you can’t get a word in…and I…lashed out. I couldn’t end the argument… Something must have brought it on. When frustration builds up and you can’t think of a way out…It happened and I’m very, very ashamed of it…If a woman is a bit of a power freak and determined to put you down, and if you’re not bright enough to do it with words, it can happen.’

Rula Lenska says the violence only occurred when he was ‘very, very drunk’. She said she was never sure how he was going to be when he came home because ‘it was like living with two totally different people’.

According to the Daily Mail, a lot of the arguments were over the time he spent in the pub, his three times a week golf sessions, and his golfing holidays with his pals in which drinking was said to be the first aim, eyeing up birds the second and golf third.

I want to focus first on that phrase ‘determined to put you down’. This is something that, unfortunately, you so often see in couples. There’s this tendency to try to undermine a partner’s confidence to make that person more manageable, more malleable. And it’s one of the worst and stupidest crimes anybody can commit in a relationship.

An analogy is buying a beautiful new sports car then deliberately denting it and refusing to put oil in it. It would be crazy. And yet that’s exactly how many people behave in relationships.

If you want a happy relationship, build your partner up, don’t put your partner down.

That might sound as if I’m taking the Dennis Waterman’s part but I’m certainly not because choosing to spend a long time away from your partner, flirting with others and having affairs are also all ways of putting your partner down. Knowing that your husband or boyfriend is choosing to spend yet another evening at the pub with his mates rather than with you is not great for self-esteem. And, of course, I utterly condemn violence, especially by men against women, which is almost always far, far worse than the other way around.

 

Showing contempt for a partner is one of what relationship experts call The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse (as I explained in my little book Be A Hot Date). Any one of the horsemen is bad. When all four turn up it’s The End.

Sex Toy Injuries

An article in today’s Sunday Times quotes a Relate counsellor as saying that ‘mechanically-induced’ orgasms can alter brain circuitry such that response to another person ‘has to be relearnt’. How real is that danger?

A study of 2,000 American women who used vibrators found that:

  • 71.5% never experienced any side effects
  • 16% reported numbness
  • 10% reported irritation
  • 8% reported swelling
  • 3% reported pain
  • 1% reported tears or cuts

The key point is that none of those who reported negative side effects judged them to be either serious or long-lasting.

But people do have accidents with sex toys as Russell Griffin and Gerald McGwin from the University of Alabama School of Public Health discovered when they examined reports from American emergency rooms. They found that from 1995 to 2006:

  • 6799 people aged 20 and up were treated in U.S. emergency departments for sex toy injuries
  • There was an overall doubling of the number of injuries, from 2.41 per million in 1995 to 5.46 per million in 2006
  • Men had higher injury rates than women, and rates were highest for people between 30-39
  • 74% of injuries involved a vibrator, 13% involved dildos, 2% rings, and 11% other,
  • 78% of injuries were anorectal, 18% vaginal/penile, and 4% other

It seems, then, that the greatest danger comes from the use of vibrators in the anal canal and rectum. Not many people realize how powerful the muscles are. It’s very easy for a sex toy to be sucked inside the rectum where it could heat up. The best advice is only to use a vibrator in the anal canal or rectum that has a sufficiently wide base to stop it slipping all the way in. But if you are unlucky you should be able to expel it from the rectum in the usual way. And remember that the anal canal and rectum (unlike the vagina) have no natural lubricant. So never attempt any kind of anal penetration without a good dollop of a suitable commercial lubricant.

Scouring the internet, I have found some claims of permanent numbness due to overuse of sex toys. But they seem to be pretty rare. If you’ve had a problem I’d like to hear from you. Just click on ‘Comment’ and have your say.

Are Long-Term Relationships Hard Work?

In last weekend’s Sunday Times Style magazine I read that ‘a long-term relationship can be extraordinary, if you’re prepared to put in the work.’ The speaker was Andrew G Marshall, the author of How Can I Ever Trust You Again? I agreed with just about everything he said but this word ‘work’ bothers me. Are we talking about ‘work’ in the sense of ‘working’ on your snowboarding technique or are we talking about ‘work’ in the sense of ‘working’ at a dreary office job a laborious ninety-minute commute from home? It seems to me that if your relationship is really hard work then you’re in the wrong relationship.

Regular readers of my blogs will know that, as well as being rather enthusiastic about sex, I’m pretty keen on snowboarding. And I certainly do ‘work’ on my snowboarding technique. But that ‘work’ is a great pleasure. Similarly, ‘working’ on a relationship should also be a great pleasure.

The Style article was actually all about people who have affairs through websites. They don’t want to end their long-term relationships but they do want more exciting sex. Personally I don’t believe you can have great sex with somebody you don’t know very well. The Last Tango In Paris thing is a myth. Yes, there’s the frisson of the new. But that’s all. So I’d suggest you ‘work’ on your sex life together with your long-term partner. Only with someone you feel very close to can you genuinely take things as far as they can go. If you need ideas, take a look at my books Have Great Sex and Get Intimate With Tantric Sex.

High Intensity Training (HIT) And Happiness

Do you say you haven’t got time for exercise? Well, could you manage around 20 minutes a week? If so, you can make a major contribution to your health, fitness and longevity. That’s the conclusion of scientists who have been investigating High Intensity Training (HIT). In fact, HIT goes back to the work of Arthur Jones in the 1970s (and even to the work of the long-ignored Dr Gustav Zander in the late 19th century) but the latest discoveries set a whole new standard. Provided you’re not in the fifth of the population who are ‘non-responders’ then, according to Jamie Timmons, professor of ageing biology at Birmingham University, you can get by with just three minutes of HIT a week (plus a little gentle exercise to warm up first).

Usually it’s all done on an exercise bike but the principle can be adapted for other activities. The regime is two minutes of gentle exercise to warm up followed by 20 seconds as fast as you can go, followed by another two minutes of gentle exercise and another 20 seconds and finally a third bout. Do that three times a week and that’s it. Four-fifths of people see worthwhile improvements in their insulin sensitivity (reducing the likelihood of diabetes) as well as their aerobic fitness and for the 15 per cent who are ‘super-responders’ the improvements are substantial.

But what interests me especially is the impact on happiness. It’s well established that exercise improves the level of several ‘happy chemicals’ in the blood but, as I reported in my book How To Be Happier, it’s always been thought the exercise needed to be vigorous and fairly prolonged. I’m going to give this new HIT protocol a try and I’ll let you know how I get on.

Stress

According to a Sex in America survey I’ve been reading, a lot of American men find it difficult or impossible to ejaculate during sex with a partner. Apparently 16 per cent of those aged 50 to 64 are in that category, rising to 23 per cent from 65 to 74. A curious thing is that the figure for men under 50 is actually higher at 28 per cent. So does that mean the situation is getting ‘worse’?

The first thing I’d say is that while being completely unable to ejaculate is obviously a problem, it certainly isn’t a problem that you need a lot of stimulation. Quite the contrary. The man who doesn’t ejaculate readily can facilitate his partner having numerous orgasms. As for himself, he can confidently approach the point of no return (after which ejaculation is inevitable) again and again, revelling in the exquisite sensations. When men ask me for tips to improve their sex lives, one of the first things I suggest is learning to withhold ejaculation. Thirty minutes of non-ejaculatory intercourse is vastly more enjoyable than a headlong rush towards climax.

Some experts say it’s a modern problem caused by men concentrating too much on their partners’ pleasure. That’s an interesting one given that, not so long ago, men were usually blamed for being ‘selfish’. I doubt that’s the real explanation. One possibility could be too much masturbation while watching porn. Another might be stress.

In fact, I’m just back from France where a new survey highlights that very problem. According to the survey, almost a quarter of French people have at some time suffered sexual dysfunction caused by stress at work.

Some employees have even been driven to suicide, like the young woman who emailed her father: ‘I can’t accept the reorganization in my department – I’m getting a new boss and I’d rather die.’ She then jumped from her fourth-floor office window.

It’s only stating the obvious to say she had got things completely out of proportion. But she was far from alone. Sixty-one per cent of those interviewed actually said work was the most important thing in their lives. Ahead of family, children, health…or romance.

Well, it certainly shouldn’t be. The thing that should be number one is happiness. Make that your priority and other things will start to fall into place…including sex.

 

Red Meat Is Dangerous

One of the big stories of the week is that eating red meat shortens life. Researchers led by An Pan at the Harvard School of Public Health studied data on 121,000 doctors and nurses covering a period of up to 22 years. It turns out that a daily serving of red meat increases the risk of dying from cancer by 13 per cent and of dying from heart disease by 19.5 per cent. The critical level seems to be 42 grams of red meat a day – below that you’re okay, the further you are above it the more dangerous it gets. And processed red meat (hamburgers and sausages, for example) turns out to be worse than unprocessed.

If you’d bought my book Help Yourself To Live Longer (Teach Yourself, 2010) you already would have known this. I pointed to studies which suggested that eating meat less than once a week improved life expectancy by three to four years.

Fat has a lot to do with it. So do nitrosamines. But there is another element. Other research suggests that a low protein diet promotes longevity. No one really knows exactly how much protein a human being requires but a widely accepted figure is 0.75g per kg of body weight per day. Meat is obviously high in protein. One good steak provides roughly double that amount. On the other hand, a vegan would struggle to reach it.

So if you want to live longer, become a vegan. There’s more. You’ll no longer be responsible for the suffering and death of farm animals. That should make you feel both relieved and happy.

Boomers, Sex And Happiness

I’ve just been reading through some reports about sex and older couples. According to one study in America, more than half of those aged 75 to 85 have sex at least twice a month, while nearly a quarter have sex at least once a week. But what’s really interesting is the link with happiness. Only 40 per cent of those who had not had sex in the previous year claimed to be very happy with life, compared with 60 per cent of those who had sex at least once a month. Similarly, while 59 per cent of over 65s said they were happy in what had become sexless  marriages, the figure for those who had regular sex was 80 per cent. What the reports don’t tell us is whether it’s the sex that causes the happiness, or the happiness that causes the sex. My guess is that it’s a bit of both.That’s pretty encouraging for those boomers who fear old age as sexless.

British Tantric Sex

Was there ever a ‘British Tantric sex’? In fact, Westerners are probably too, as it were, hard on themselves when it comes to the art of sex. We tend to look to the East for all of that. Yes, there’s plenty of evidence that, historically, the average European was a rotten lover. But, on the other hand, what evidence is there that the average Indian or Chinese ever lived up to the erotic statues, illustrations and manuals that we’ve become used to?

I’m pondering this because whilst searching for a cover for my latest ebook (60 Wrong Ways To Have Sex) I came across some fascinating prints by the artist, caricaturist and illustrator Thomas Rowlandson (1756 – 1827). The one I chose shows a sailor having sex while smoking a pipe, a glass of wine in one hand and a decanter in the other. By his side are a coffee pot and some things to eat. So this is exactly the kind of scene we associate with leisurely Oriental lovemaking. Was Rowlandson’s illustration utter fantasy, a depiction of the unique way he himself had sex, or proof that there were always appreciable numbers of people in the West who, indeed, treated sex as an art?

I tend towards the latter view.

Rowlandson was quite a character. A student at the Royal Academy he would have become an important artist if he had not had the misfortune to inherit £7,000 (a small fortune in those days) and proceeded to dissipate it on wine, women and gambling. When the money ran out he was forced to think commercially, illustrating books by (among others) Henry Fielding, Oliver Goldsmith, Laurence Sterne and Tobias Smollet, and was always on the look-out for themes that would make popular prints. Here his days of ‘debauchery’ at last brought him a return. His erotic works are bawdy rather than mystical but when you take them together with, say, the erotic murals at Pompeii, the ancient concept of hieros gamos (union with the divine), the ritualized sexual relations of early Christian groups such as the Carpocratians, the sexual mysticism of the Kabbalah, the 17th century ‘inner alchemy’ of John Pordage, the poems and engravings of William Blake (an almost exact contemporary of Rowlandson), and so on and so on, you see a continuous thread of Western sexual creativity. I’ll have more to say about all of this in a future blog.