According to a Sex in America survey I’ve been reading, a lot of American men find it difficult or impossible to ejaculate during sex with a partner. Apparently 16 per cent of those aged 50 to 64 are in that category, rising to 23 per cent from 65 to 74. A curious thing is that the figure for men under 50 is actually higher at 28 per cent. So does that mean the situation is getting ‘worse’?
The first thing I’d say is that while being completely unable to ejaculate is obviously a problem, it certainly isn’t a problem that you need a lot of stimulation. Quite the contrary. The man who doesn’t ejaculate readily can facilitate his partner having numerous orgasms. As for himself, he can confidently approach the point of no return (after which ejaculation is inevitable) again and again, revelling in the exquisite sensations. When men ask me for tips to improve their sex lives, one of the first things I suggest is learning to withhold ejaculation. Thirty minutes of non-ejaculatory intercourse is vastly more enjoyable than a headlong rush towards climax.
Some experts say it’s a modern problem caused by men concentrating too much on their partners’ pleasure. That’s an interesting one given that, not so long ago, men were usually blamed for being ‘selfish’. I doubt that’s the real explanation. One possibility could be too much masturbation while watching porn. Another might be stress.
In fact, I’m just back from France where a new survey highlights that very problem. According to the survey, almost a quarter of French people have at some time suffered sexual dysfunction caused by stress at work.
Some employees have even been driven to suicide, like the young woman who emailed her father: ‘I can’t accept the reorganization in my department – I’m getting a new boss and I’d rather die.’ She then jumped from her fourth-floor office window.
It’s only stating the obvious to say she had got things completely out of proportion. But she was far from alone. Sixty-one per cent of those interviewed actually said work was the most important thing in their lives. Ahead of family, children, health…or romance.
Well, it certainly shouldn’t be. The thing that should be number one is happiness. Make that your priority and other things will start to fall into place…including sex.
From: Julia, Brighton.
Dear Paul Jenner
I enjoyed your book Get Intimate with Tantric Sex very much, but as a woman in a long-term and happy relationship I am finding adapting to some of your suggestions rather hard.
I appreciate that, for instance, non-ejaculatory sex is a great thing in terms of frequency of intercourse (especially in couples of that certain age and above!) but I miss the spontaneity of mutual orgasm. For me the enjoyment of what I will call ‘normal’ sex is the mounting excitement, the occasional pull-backs and then the full-on coming as a crescendo, just like that crashing wave we always see on coy film sex scenes. When I know the session is going to be (barring accidents) non-ejaculatory it sort of lacks impetus and form. We have to eventually come to a verbal agreement that the session should end. I find this difficult as despite the fact I may have had several orgasms I am never quite sure of the best timing as far as my partner is concerned.
The million dollar question for older men is: How can I keep on doing it as often as I used to? One million dollars, it is said, was the price some men were willing to pay Indian gurus in exchange for being taught the acupressure point that could cut off ejaculation. In theory, even an older man could then have sex again and again every day. Well, I’m very happy to teach you that for free. But I’d also suggest you don’t use the ‘million dollar point’ because, in my opinion, it’s risky. It can be painful, it can cause retrograde emission into the bladder and it might cause some damage. It’s also unnecessary. There are better ways of being able to have frequent sex.
But first of all, where is the million dollar point? In acupressure it’s known as Inner Meeting or Conception Vessel 1 or CV1 for short. In both men and women it’s located on the perineum, a little closer to the anus than to the genitals.
A man will know he’s on CV1 because there’s a sort of hollow there. If you press strongly inwards on CV1 with a forefinger at the start of ejaculation you’ll feel the semen pulsing along and if you press hard enough you can actually stop the flow. But, I repeat, it’s not something I recommend. I’ve tried it (that’s my job) but I don’t practise it. In my next blog I’ll tell you what I do do.
A great deal of fiction nowadays surrounds Tantric sex. The problem is that Tantra was not founded by any single person and has never had any sort of ruling body to define its beliefs, so its teachings have varied from century to century, place to place, and guru to guru. Quite frankly, there are lots of self-proclaimed Tantric gurus out there writing books and running courses that have little or nothing to do with the real thing. If you go on such a course you may have a great time and learn new things. That’s fine. But authentic Tantric sex is a lot more than staring into eyes and lighting incense.
What makes Tantric sex different is not its range of physical sexual techniques (potent though they are) but its range of psychological techniques and the intention behind the sex. The prolonged state of excitement which Tantric sex is capable of creating is only a beginning. It’s aim is the attainment of a quite extraordinary state of mind known as ananda or bliss.