Happiness, Stock Markets And Labia

This week saw the launch of Action For Happiness, which has as one of its big ideas that happiness comes from helping others. I certainly agree with that. It was one of my big ideas, too, in How To Be Happier (Teach Yourself). Cynics are asking how it’s possible to judge happiness. Well, I have a way. It’s called the stock market.

It works like this. If you can invest money on the stock market and not go crazy then you surely must be not only a happy person but one whose happiness has very solid foundations. My partner had a little bit of money to play with and so we decided we’d have a go on the stock market. Anything to supplement a writer’s income!

It’s not just a question of being happy when a share goes up and of trying to keep cheerful when a share goes down. The stock market is much more fiendish than that. Let’s say a share goes down and you decide to cut your losses. That’s already painful. But supposing that immediately after you’ve sold at a loss the share goes shooting up. That happens.

A lot.

Here’s another one. Your share goes up 25% in a week. You’re euphoric. Then it begins to slip back. What do you do? You take your profit. You’re happy for a day. Then the share starts to go up again without you. Plus 30%…50%…100%. If you can still be happy in the face of that then you know one of the great secrets of the universe.

I’m increasingly hearing about women who aren’t happy with their labia minora. Red magazine ran an article recently and I, presumptiously, wrote a letter saying that women should love their labia, except in exceptional cases. It didn’t get published partly, I’m sure, because women editors don’t want men lecturing women about their genitals. So I’ll presumptiously repeat my views here. They might, I admit, be coloured by the fact that men seem to cope quite well with a lot more between their thighs than a couple of unusually large labia.

The real point is that the labia are part of a woman’s sexual apparatus. They enlarge with sexual excitement, increasing the effective length of the vagina. They caress the penis as it slides in and out. And they contribute to a woman’s total sexual excitement.

I suspect some women are influenced by those men who are a bit squeamish about vulvas. Well, don’t be. There are plenty of ignorant men around. And they have a couple of wrinkled, sparsley-haired balls between their legs. So they have nothing to say. Whatever happened to women’s lib?

Girls, resist having your labia trimmed. If you want to know how to enjoy them more, get a copy of Have Great Sex (Teach Yourself). I’m being presumptious again, but I think you’ll be pleased you kept them as they were.

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