Excerpt from Teach Yourself Great Sex, published by Teach Yourself, an imprint of Hodder Headline, 2006.
08. great multiple orgasms
In this chapter you will learn:
- How women can have multiple orgasms
- How men can have multiple orgasms
- How to co-ordinate your orgasms
Until the mid-19th century it was widely believed that women couldn’t orgasm at all. Now, over 90 per cent of women experience orgasm and the focus has moved instead to multiple orgasms.
Men have become jealous. If women can have multiple orgasms, why can’t men? Well, in fact, using a special technique, they can, as we’ll see in this chapter.
Multiple orgasms for women
What, exactly, are multiple orgasms in women? The famous sex researcher Shere Hite defines multiple orgasm in women as meaning closely repeated but distinct sets of muscular contractions. Orgasms separated by a few minutes are something different and she calls them sequential orgasms. But as far as I’m concerned (and the women in my focus groups) orgasms that come within seconds or minutes of one another are all multiples and all great.
Some researchers say about 15 per cent of women have multiple orgasms, some say 25 per cent and some say even higher. Can you become one of them? At least one study suggests that heredity has at least something to do with it, so ask your mother if you dare. But just as most women ‘magically’ became orgasmic during the second half of the 20th century, so most women will become multi-orgasmic over the next few years. Of course, magic really has nothing to do with it. It’s much more a question of culture.
Years ago women didn’t have orgasms because they didn’t expect to have orgasms (nor did their partners expect them to). Now, the majority of women have one orgasm because they expect to have just one orgasm. Some of them, it has to be said, are completely satisfied by their single orgasm and that’s fine. But if you’re not, then the first thing is to believe that you can be multi-orgasmic.
In fact, you almost certainly are multi-orgasmic and just don’t know it. The way to unlock your multi-orgasmic capacity is not through intercourse but through masturbation. Let sex with a partner wait until you’re reliably multi-orgasmic on your own.
In my focus groups, some women talk of having to ‘work’ at their orgasms. They sometimes describe their efforts as ‘desperate’ and ‘grubby’. One woman said she had managed a second orgasm but it had taken ‘too long’. When I asked how long she said ‘15 minutes’. These women all have an attitude problem. If you think spending 15 minutes on sex is ‘too long’ then you’re never going to enjoy yourself.
Take note, too, of the word ‘grubby’. This woman didn’t see that masturbation is a beautiful thing. If you’re going to become multi-orgasmic you’re going to have to get rid of any negative attitudes like that and, instead, celebrate masturbation.
When masturbating you should be:
Have a go
Have your one orgasm by your usual method. But don’t have it in the back of your mind that you’ll settle for one if necessary. Be optimistic. Now simply continue to play with your clitoris. It may well be that you’ll surprise yourself by having a second orgasm without doing anything else. And a third.
If not, you’re going to have to do something unusual, something extra, to get those additional orgasms. Later on, special techniques may not be necessary. In fact, women who are multi-orgasmic say that, after the first, orgasms come more easily. But for now, while you’re training your body to produce multiple orgasms, you may have to throw everything at it, up to but not quite including the kitchen sink. In the previous chapter we looked at the power of the mind. Use that to help you. Essentially you have to raise the erotic temperature higher than you ever have before and continue longer than you ever have before. Don’t forget, either, that, as we saw in Chapter 03, orgasm is a release of tension. Before you can release that tension you first of all have to build it. Here are a few ideas.
- Put on some sensual, very rhythmical music.
- Strip completely naked, if you’re not already.
- Relax. Give yourself an hour to succeed.
- Rub yourself all over with some body oil while continuing to masturbate with your other hand.
- Use a vibrator (see Chapter 10).
- Try different positions. On your back, open your legs as far as you can or, alternatively, press them hard together with the vibrator between your thighs and against your vulva. Or try kneeling with your thighs open and lean back as far as you can – use some pillows to support you. The more physical tension you create the better.
- Use fantasy, as described in the previous chapter.
- Speak your fantasy out loud.
- Make plenty of noise.
If you still haven’t achieved further orgasms:
- Stimulate other places in addition to your clitoris – the entrance to your vagina, your G-spot area, your anus, your nipples…whatever excites you.
- Increase the blood flow by spanking yourself.
- Try masturbating while watching an erotic video or DVD.
- Try masturbating in front of a mirror or whilst making a video of yourself or watching yourself on a TV monitor (for how see Chapter 10).
- Don’t stop until you’ve had at least three orgasms.
Some women report they’d like to carry on stimulating themselves and believe they would have further orgasms but their clitoris becomes too sensitive to touch after the first one. If that happens to you, try continuing the stimulation above your clitoris or to the side or try some of your other erogenous places. Above all, continue the stimulation in your mind. If you still can’t touch your clitoris after about 20 or 30 seconds see if you can turn the pain to pleasure by taking deep breathes and exhaling forcefully. Some women find they can continue stimulation through the pain, by this method, and emerge into pleasure once more.
If you still didn’t have multiple orgasms don’t give up. Time is on your side. The more sex you have the more likely you are to become multi-orgasmic. The body learns and responds by, for example, increasing the density of blood vessels in the genitals. Sexually-active women just naturally become more orgasmic as they get older. Interestingly, some women experience their first multiple orgasms whilst pregnant (see Chapter 13). Every week set aside one hour for ‘multiple orgasm training’ and keep on until you succeed.
Multiple orgasms with your partner
If you have a partner who only wants to orgasm/ejaculate once himself, as is usually the case, it may be he assumes you only need to orgasm once as well. Quite probably, because of him, you’ve accepted the idea that one is enough for you, too.
Once you’ve mastered multi-orgasms on your own you need to let him know that you want to try for more with him. Don’t be embarrassed about it. Some women are afraid they’ll be thought of as ‘nymphomaniacs’ but most men respond very positively to the idea of ‘giving’ their partners multiple orgasms. The more orgasms a woman has the more macho the man feels. The more you enjoy yourself the more he’s going to enjoy himself.
The ideal is to have several before he has his and then have one ‘big one’ together. The majority of multi-orgasmic women say three to five is about right but a few women have the feeling they’ll never be satisfied because, with each orgasm, the drive keeps growing and growing. A few rare women have multiple orgasms that seem to be one continuous orgasm (only scientific instruments can make the distinction) lasting for perhaps a minute, an experience known as status orgasmus.
Have a go
Depending on your partner’s skill and ability to control himself, you should aim to have at least one and possibly several orgasms before intercourse.
- Give yourself one orgasm with a vibrator (see Chapter 10) whilst your partner is in the shower.
- Have a second orgasm from his tongue.
- Have a third orgasm while he’s inside you but by you masturbating yourself at the same time.
- Finish with simultaneous orgasms brought about by his thrusting. This may be a more profound, whole-body experience than by clitoral stimulation alone and, almost certainly, you will feel completely satisfied.
Of course, for you to enjoy your multi-orgasmic capacity to the full it helps if your partner has good control. If he learns to become multi-orgasmic too, he’ll develop that control. I explain how in the next section.
Multiple orgasms for men
Recently there’s been a great deal of publicity about multiple orgasms for men. What exactly are they? And are they really possible?
Having multiple orgasms doesn’t mean having several of the kind of orgasm you have now. They are totally different. Multiple orgasms for men are both less and more than the normal kind.
First of all, let me try to explain in what way they’re more. You may find it hard to believe at the moment, but multiple orgasms can:
- Change your sex life
- Change your personality
- Change your relationship
- Introduce a mystical element into lovemaking. (It sounds crazy but it’s true.)
Now let me tell you in what way multiple orgasms are less. Masters and Johnson observed one young man who ejaculated three times in ten minutes. Well, he was a rare exception. Nobody has yet found a way for the average man to ejaculate again and again in a short space of time. What are known as multiple orgasms for men come at a price. The price is that you have to forego ejaculation. Yes, you heard correctly. That’s what I said. If you thought ejaculation was the whole point of sex then prepare for a new way of thinking. No ejaculation (until the last orgasm, if you so choose).
If you’re puzzled by this because you think orgasm and ejaculation are one and the same thing then take a look again at Chapter 04. It’s the ejaculation, not the orgasm, the brings sex to an end for most men. If you could only learn how to orgasm without the ejaculation you could have sex indefinitely. And, in fact, you can learn. The technique I’m about to describe is not difficult.
But first there’s something else I have to tell you. Not only do these multiple-orgasms not involve ejaculation but the orgasms themselves are somewhat unusual. Mantak Chia, the man who has probably done the most to promote the idea of multiple orgasms in the West, calls them contractile-phase orgasms or pelvic orgasms. I prefer to call them partial orgasms, because that’s what they are.
Now that I’ve told you this, you may be wondering if you wouldn’t prefer an ordinary old-fashioned orgasm/ejaculation after all. The idea of only having part of what you formerly had may not sound very appealing and yet these partial orgasms can be exquisite. Once you get good at the technique, you’ll find that each is more powerful than the previous one. Eventually you’ll reach a state of ecstasy. Here’s a list of some of the advantages of multiple orgasms:
- You’ll never be afraid of not being able to perform.
- You won’t lose your sexual vitality in the way you do with ‘ordinary’ sex.
- You and your partner can have sex more often – once a day, for example, or even several times a day.
- After a session of multiple orgasms you won’t have the flat feeling you do with ejaculation.
- Your hormone balance will be different – you’ll feel more affectionate and loving.
- You’ll feel ‘mystical’.
Some sexologists also give these advantages:
- You and your partner can enjoy sex for longer.
- Because lovemaking lasts longer your partner will enjoy multiple orgasms as well.
However, I wouldn’t attribute these last two advantages to multiple orgasms as such. I would say they’re the result of a man learning better control. That improved control could be used to produce multiple orgasms but it could equally be used to achieve a longer conventional sex session.
What do multiple orgasms feel like?
When you have the first of a series of multiple orgasms what you experience is the beginning of a normal sequence of orgasm and ejaculation. You have that same feeling in your brain as you do when you know orgasm/ejaculation is about to happen. You have that same feeling of tensing somewhere at the base of your penis. And then…nothing. Nothing, because the orgasm goes no further and ejaculation doesn’t take place.
Put like that, it doesn’t sound too great. But when you have the second, the feeling in your brain lasts fractionally longer and so does the feeling in your groin. When you have the third, the feeling is intensified again. Eventually, you reach a state in which each of these partial orgasms floods your brain with chemicals that induce an exquisite state of delirium. The initial feelings are far less than a normal orgasm/ejaculation. The ultimate feelings far surpass the normal orgasm/ejaculation.
When lovemaking is over, you don’t feel sleepy, you don’t feel exhausted, you don’t feel depleted and yet you do feel satisfied. You also feel changed. A prolonged almost mystical state of contentment follows. You feel physically and emotionally close to your partner and those feelings continue. If you have sex again fairly soon this magical state of grace will never leave you.
How you can experience great multiple orgasms
Different sexologists describe different methods for stopping ejaculation and achieving multiple male orgasms. One involves strengthening the PC muscle until it can actually shut off the ejaculation. Another involves pressing the Million dollar point between the testicles and the anus (Chapter 04) hard enough to stop the semen. And there are still others.
I’m not going to describe any of these physical techniques. Some require months of training, some interfere too much with lovemaking, some are painful and some don’t work. Instead, I’m going to describe a very simple technique which requires nothing other than the power of your mind (which, as we saw in the previous chapter, is considerable).
All you have to do is use the Stop/go technique described in Chapter 04 and take that to a new level.
Have a go
The first step is to practise the technique during masturbation. Probably you already use Stop/go as a way of prolonging your pleasure. That simply means that you stop stimulating yourself once you get ‘too’ excited, let your erection subside a little, then begin again. But when you do that you probably don’t experience a partial orgasm. For that to happen, you now need to refine that technique so you can get closer and closer to the point of no return without ‘going over the edge’ into ejaculation.
It’s simple but it’s not easy because in order to experience orgasm without ejaculation you have to get very, very close indeed. To complicate matters, there’s a time delay between sensing the inevitability of ejaculation and the ejaculation actually taking place. In other words, you can cease stimulation and think you’ve ‘got away with it’ only to have ejaculation begin three seconds later. Whilst you’re experimenting things are often going to ‘go wrong’ like this. Never mind. Enjoy it.
Evolution has arranged things so the urge to ejaculate is extremely powerful. You can only ‘beat’ hundreds of thousands of years of programming by being resolute. You have to cease physical and mental stimulation instantly:
- Stop stroking your penis
- Stop thrusting movements
- Stop all muscle tension (for example, lower your legs if they’re in the air).
- Stop breathing or, alternatively, pant (experiment to see what works best for you).
- Stop fantasising (if you were).
- Stop looking at sexy images (if you were)
- Stop ‘talking dirty’ (if you were)
- Stop concentrating on the sensations
In other words, you have to turn off like a light.
Don’t be surprised if you don’t experience much excitement from your first partial orgasm. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything ‘wrong’. The second will be better. The third better still. Eventually, you’ll experience sensations that’ll be almost unbearably exquisite.
Multiple orgasms with a partner
Trying to experience multiple orgasms with a partner introduces complications. The first thing is to let her know what you’re intending to do because you’re going to need her co-operation. When you need to stop it’s no good if she continues to go. She has to cease stimulation as well.
In fact, the first time you try with your partner may not be hugely enjoyable for either of you. You’re going to have to concentrate hard on what you’re doing and that means taking attention away from her. And if your partner is trying to help you, she, too, will be concentrating on your starting and stopping so as not to tip you over into ejaculation. Rather than have more orgasms, she may at first have less. But don’t give up after just one or two less than mind-blowing sessions. You need to give it, say, a month before you decide whether it’s something you want to do regularly, occasionally or not at all. With practice you’ll find you can control yourself with less effort and your partner will find she can once again relax into her own orgasms.
Have a go
The technique is just the same as when you were masturbating. Decide that you are not going to ejaculate. It won’t work if you say you’ll ‘see how you feel’ when the moment comes. You must be adamant in your own mind. When you get close to the level of excitement at which the multiple orgasms occur, switch to a position that puts you in control of the movement (if you’re not in one already). As soon as you start to experience a partial orgasm:
Stop all movement
Stop tensing your muscles
Stop all ‘dirty talk’
Stop all fantasising
Stop looking at your partner’s body
Stop revelling in the sensual feelings
Stop breathing or, alternatively, pant (whichever works best for you).
Stop all stimulation of every kind
Great sex tip no. 24: tongue sucking
Eastern thought holds that you can divert energy from your genitals by taking your partner’s tongue into your mouth and sucking it. Western thought would be that you’ve simply diverted attention somewhere else. Whichever is right, the technique does work as a way of cooling off a little bit when you feel you’re in danger of going past the point of no return.
To ejaculate or not to ejaculate
The fact that you’ve enjoyed multiple orgasms doesn’t mean that you can’t ejaculate at the end of the session. But if you do ejaculate you’ll find it’ll be less forceful than usual and probably less enjoyable as a result. Eastern thought explains this in terms of the energy being transmitted from the pelvic area to other parts of the body. Westerners would simply see it in terms of sex hormones becoming depleted and the sexual organs becoming fatigued.
Men who are multi-orgasmic have different ways of dealing with this. Some do ejaculate at the end of a sequence of multiple orgasms and accept the lower intensity. Some ejaculate only at the end of occasional sessions. Still others reserve ejaculatory sex for completely separate occasions.
What will you do? If you do ejaculate, you’ll lose several of the advantages of the technique. What’s more, where your normal orgasm/ejaculation may have triggered a climax for your partner, this weaker ejaculation may be insufficient to excite her. On the other hand, if you don’t ejaculate she may feel something vital is missing. If you’ve thought of simultaneous orgasm as the pinnacle of sex then you’re going to miss it.
Your partner’s perspective
Funnily enough, the greatest problem many couples have with this technique is not the man foregoing ejaculation for himself but the woman being disappointed. It can make a woman feel inadequate, in the same way that a man may feel inadequate if he fails to make his partner orgasm. The woman may feel the man is holding back and not really making love to her at all. Something seems to be lacking in the whole experience.
There is another point. When is your partner going to have her orgasms? She probably isn’t going to have one as a climax to lovemaking because if she did she’d be likely to make you ejaculate.
So, unless your ability to control yourself is at the level of a fakir, one solution is for her to have all her orgasms before you have the first of yours. Women who arrange things this way tell me they still derive physical pleasure during their partner’s multi-orgasms and, at the same time, a different emotional excitement.
Have a go
Exactly how your multi-orgasmic ability is going to be incorporated into lovemaking is for you both to decide after a period of experimentation. Age is a factor here. If you’re young and able to ejaculate frequently you may only want multi-orgasmic sessions now and then. But if you’ve reached the age at which you can’t manage sex as often as you’d like then multiple orgasms could make all the difference.
Over a period of, say, a month try the following (frequency could be higher or lower depending on your capacity):
- One weekly multi-orgasmic session with ejaculation at the end
- Four weekly multi-orgasmic sessions without ejaculation at the end
- One weekly ‘normal’ session.
My advice would be to have ‘normal’ sessions and separate multi-orgasmic sessions. The balance between those is something you and your partner will have to find for yourselves. Let’s say, for example, that you now have ‘normal’ sex twice a week. Instead, you could have ‘normal’ sex once a week (so as to benefit from ejaculating less) and introduce multi-orgasmic sex on several or all of the other days.
A new mystical you
Unfortunately, there hasn’t yet been enough research into what exactly happens when a man enjoys multi-orgasmic sex. It would be very difficult to know precisely because some men allow a little semen to seep out, others hardly any, and still others ejaculate internally. But from my own observations multi-orgasmic sex does something to a man’s hormones. Something very nice. I would go so far as to say that it could make you a calmer, more tranquil, less irritable person and enormously improve your relationship.
- Most women can become multi-orgasmic.
- Masturbation is the best way for women to learn to become multi-orgasmic.
- Women who aren’t multi-orgasmic often don’t have a positive enough attitude to masturbation.
- Women who have sex regularly automatically become more multi-orgasmic.
- Multiple orgasms for men are really a series of partial orgasms without ejaculation.
- At first, male multiple orgasms may not feel very exciting but as skill improves they can induce a state of delirium far beyond a conventional orgasm/ejaculation.
- Mental control is the key to achieving multiple orgasms for men.
- Have sessions of intercourse in which you both enjoy only multiple orgasms and have completely separate sessions when you enjoy simultaneous orgasm together with the man ejaculating.